It's Not Official Until It's Facebook Official

So, folks, here you go. The final blog post.


The first message

Toward the end of July, on a day when I had gotten home from a mediocre date that was number two of five for that week, I had a new message from a guy who I thought was very attractive.

You are quite the accomplished women. I admire the drive and the passion. I also work in tech, being a founding member of a social network out here in the bay. Tell me a little about your job, you seem quite passionate about it. What is it exactly that you do that allows you so much freedom for adventures?

Short, complimentary, and he had clearly read my profile. I clicked through to his profile. He had sunglasses on in the other two photos he had posted so it was hard to tell what he really looked like, but there weren't any creepy selfies or shirtless pics.  No red flags in the rest of his profile, though he did go to school that has a bit of a football history with mine and mentioned an interesting pop culture reference. I wrote back.

I work in HR and am lucky to be at a place that's generous with vacation time. Not sure what I think about you being a longhorn (fight on) and the d.e.n.n.i.s. system...

He responded about an hour later, and we started messaging back and forth. The cadence was rather slow. At several points there were a few days in between responses. That weekend was also my first date with Climber Guy.

Getting the first date

He first asked me out in message #3, four days after his first message. His date suggestion was dinner, which while not original is more of an investment than just drinks, and he did have a more adventurous second date hiking idea. I told him that the upcoming week was busy, which it was. I already had 3 dates scheduled and 3 nights booked with plans with friends. He waited six days to respond during which time I was starting to hang out more with Climber Guy and wasn't checking my messages too thoroughly anymore.

Five days later, when he followed up on his unanswered message, the timing started working more in our favor. Two days prior on a Thursday I had written this post pondering about how a relationship that started online actually moves fully into the real world. I should have realized that if I was thinking that much about it, it wasn't a good sign. On Friday, Climber Guy and I had an awkward conversation where it first became apparent that he wasn't interested in getting more serious, at least not with me. I wasn't in the best mood about this on Saturday, which is when the follow up message came.  The message simply said that he was still interested.

That Saturday was a bit of an emotional day, mostly concocted in my own head, but I went home and decided it was in my best interest to start responding to messages online again since it was looking likely that things weren't going anywhere with Climber Guy. For the first time in well over a week I started responding to messages and spent several hours online that night doing so. But for some reason the only date that actually got scheduled was in response to the follow up message. We sent several messages back and forth that night (28 to be exact) and scheduled a date for the upcoming Wednesday, three weeks after his initial message. He asked for my number once and I ignored the request. Then a few messages later he asked what the best way to reach me was. I said I'd message him on Wednesday.

So who are you exactly?

As Wednesday got closer, Climber Guy asked what I was doing that night. I have a date with someone else! I wanted to tell him that, though of course I didn't. He definitely suspected something was up when I was mysteriously unavailable. The whole thing made me feel guilty, as if I were cheating, but I knew it was a good idea to go on the date.

A few days later I was telling one of my fellow online daters that I was seeing a new guy that week. She wanted to check out his profile so I sent her his OKC username. As I was typing it out, the pattern of numbers he used looked very familiar. His username had his birthday in it, which was the day before mine. I then realized his username was just his actual name. A quick search and I easily uncovered his identity, including where he worked. In his first message he said he worked at a social network. The social network was actually a dating site. Oh this just got interesting.

I sent him a message asking which social network he worked at. He replied-

That's actually a very funny story. I can answer it now, or I can save it for our dinner, I'll let you decide.

I told him I could probably figure it out, since I already had, so he might as well tell me. He was completely upfront about it so I asked if he was doing research or actually supporting a competitor. To this he replied, he was actually using OKCupid for its intended purpose. I was a little skeptical, but willing to see if there was a blog post in the whole story.


The first date

Our first date went well. Dinner was lovely. We had good conversation. He was a perfect gentleman. After dinner he drove me home and dropped me off. A little bit later I got the first date follow up message -

I had a great time tonight. We should do this again.

To that I replied -

I had fun too :)

The next day partly out of curiosity, partly for blog material, I tried to create an account for the site he works at. I couldn't log in. Somehow I had created an account previously, though I don't remember doing this, and in trying to reactivate my account, I had gotten stuck in a weird error loop. I sent him a text telling him his site didn't work. I've been told there's still an open bug they're working on to fix this. I feel pretty proud of myself for finding a bug. Italian Bear understands :)


The second date

We started texting back and forth, but at this point I was still seeing Climber Guy, and I didn't at all like the feeling of seeing multiple guys at once. So I kept delaying a second date. The following week things ended with Climber Guy. First he said he didn't feel like there was a "spark", but the conversation quickly turned into how when he's in a relationship he wants to be single and when he's single he wants to be in a relationship. Whether or not there was anything I could have done differently, it was pretty clear that he wasn't ready for a serious commitment. Regardless, I was a little down about the whole thing.

I wasn't really in the mood to go on more dates so I stayed off the dating sites, but the text conversation was pleasant and fun so I kept that going. The week was busy and I had a friend and her toddler coming to stay with me that weekend so I wasn't sure if or when a second date would happen. But he was persistent and unfazed by a three year old so he joined the bunch of us for pizza. We had a fun, though very atypical, second date.


I have a blog

The following week I was out of town for work for a few days. While I was gone, we were talking back and forth quite a bit. The topic of writing came up in the conversation. Hmm, maybe I can mention the blog through this conversation. Sure enough, that worked and when I told him I had a blog on online dating, he wanted to read it. I sent him the link and he read through the whole thing. Much to my surprise, he actually liked it. Then he of course wanted to know what was happening with Climber Guy since I hadn't written any updates recently. I explained the story I told above and he seemed satisfied with my answer. We scheduled a date for the upcoming weekend.

After our third date, I went online to look through the old messages he had sent. His account was gone. He had either blocked me or closed his account. I texted my friend who had checked out his profile before and asked her if she could still see it. Account was closed. I texted him about it. He said, "It had served its purpose :)"


It's not official until it's Facebook official

Fast forward to this past Sunday. We had gone on 8 dates already and spent nearly the entire weekend together. Spending time with him was easy and fun. I was at his place doing work, and he was napping on the couch next to me. I decided to add him as a friend on Facebook. I was curious what his reaction would be. He saw the notification when he woke up, smiled, and said, "So it's official now?" I said, "Yes, we're officially Facebook friends." He had a smirk on his face, and I knew he was up to something. He said, "What if I up the ante?" Then I saw a notification come through.

I asked him if this was him asking me to be his girlfriend and he said it was. I warned him that it was going to cause a stir on Facebook, which of course it did. Someone asked if he was Climber Guy, and since the post is shared on both of our Facebook pages, all of his friends saw that too. He apparently now is teasingly being called Not the Climber Guy. He doesn't really need a nickname now since he already revealed his identity, but he gets to be called boyfriend which seems much better to me.

Journey from First Message to First Date

Today we're going to do a deep dive into how the 19 first dates I've been on have come about. From who sent the first message to how long it took to ask me out. Here goes.

Meme courtesy of C.W.

Sources

OKCupid has overwhelmingly been the best source of dates. 17 of the 19 dates have been from OKC. Of the other two, one was from Coffee Meets Bagel and the other from match. Granted I have been on OKC longer, but the dates from OKC started materializing quickly, while the other two are lagging far behind.

The first move

For every single date I've been on, the guy has sent the first message. I haven't sent all that many messages out first, but so far none of those have turned into dates. The mutual matching thing has been useful though. It's a very easy way for me express interest without even needing to send a message. Five of the dates came about from a mutual match of some type, though in every case with the exception of the CMB date where you rate simultaneously, the guy has rated me highly first.

The first message

The messages I've responded to that have turned into dates haven't been that long or even that clever. Nearly all of them referenced something in my profile, usually one of the activities I mention that I'm clearly passionate about, and most were only a few sentences. If I feel like there's enough in the message to start a conversation, it's not rude, and I find the profile pic attractive, I'll click through to look at his profile and decide whether to respond.

GUYS: Don't waste a ton of time writing a first message. Just read her profile and mention something about it  that you find interesting.

LADIES: Write about things that you're passionate about. Make it easy for a guy to find something to reference.

Pulling the trigger

Average number of messages he sends before actually asking me on a date is four. A few asked in the first message and the longest was seven. The longer ones usually happened when there were quick back and forth messages right away. Generally I'm going to get bored with the conversation if he doesn't ask me out relatively quickly. I say in my profile that I'm not looking for a pen pal. We're all on these sites to go out on dates so there's no point in beating around the bush.

The waiting time

After he asks me out, there are usually quite a few messages back and forth to schedule the date and pick an activity. Some banter is helpful too so that it all seems a little less awkward. It averages out to be twelve messages that he sends before we actually meet up.

From first message to first date is averaging a little over eight days. This is partly because I have generally avoided weekend night dates and reserve at least two weekday nights for my friends so that only leaves three possible nights and weekends during the day. The average is definitely going up as time goes on since my schedule is getting packed earlier and earlier in advance. I've only once met up with a guy the same day he asked me, and that was because he realized I had found him on LinkedIn already. Oops. Need to make sure I'm logged out before doing any investigating.

The date

Despite saying I like creative dates, the first dates have still been mostly the standard - seven have been drinks, three coffee. For the creative dates, leading the way are climbing (2) and the Exploratorium (2). If it's a non-creative date, I generally make sure it's somewhere close to home for me. I don't mind going farther if it's something a little out of the ordinary.

A second date?

So far all four of the guys I felt like I hit it off with have asked me on a second date. The asking on a second date situation has varied quite widely. For all four second dates, the guy has asked me out again AFTER the date was over either by text or via the messaging system. Five more guys have asked me out explicitly (as in saying let's plan a day and time) and I have declined. Four additional guys at the end of the date said they wanted to hang out again, but I never heard from them. I wasn't interested and would have declined, but I find this intriguing. Perhaps my somewhat flippant reply made it obvious that I wasn't interested, but if that's not the case, I wonder why the guy even bothered saying anything. Maybe he felt like it was polite? It's odd though. Five guys disappeared after the date, never to be heard from again. And the last one messaged me after, but never asked for a second date and faded away too.

GUYS: Just wait until later to ask her out a second time. It's awkward if she's not interested, and you seem like a gentleman for following up if she is. Wins all around!

Of the second dates, two were dinner, one was drinks and the last was the infamous laser tag. I went on a third date to a Giants game at which point I realized there definitely wasn't chemistry with that guy. The other third date was a bonfire which was super fun. There's still one more in play for a potential third date, but we'll see how things progress.

I Know You Are, But What Am I

Some guys just don't get it. At all. And I don't think they ever will. But when you call them out on this, they really don't like it. Some resort to the most infantile name-calling. It's hilarious.

<insert eye roll>

The other day I got another terrible first message -

How does a girl like you get to be a girl like you?

Oh please. What does that even mean? (That was my actual response, and my response back to him.) Then I realized that this guy had messaged me before. But not just once before, THREE TIMES. I've already even written about him in a post. He was the guy who called me Hilary Duff. He seemed to have zero recollection of messaging me before. This was going to be fun.

Oh please. You again.

You've messaged me before

His response to "what does that even mean" was just classic - 

I'm not exactly sure. 
But the first sentence you send a girl has to not be ridiculous... 
But it should at least trigger a response. Which it did. 

Let's break this down. First, he sent a message and he doesn't know what it means. Why would you do that? How do you even know if the response is a good one if you don't know why you're asking the question? Next, he thinks that this is *not* a ridiculous message? Oh yes it is, my friend. Now it did trigger a response, but only for the purposes of this story. Finally, it's not the first message he's sent. This guy is clueless.

After his lovely response, I told him he has messaged me before. His response just made him more irritating -

I have.... 

And what....you have zero interest in chatting with me? 

Or....a little bit more than zero?

More eye rolls. I replied - 

Just wondering why you referenced the first sentence you send a girl when that was not the first sentence

He, of course, does not respond to this, but he does go on to sarcastically call me a "wonderful conversational companion". Send asinine first messages to a girl over and over, then try to insult her? Oh this guy's got it coming. More inane back and forth, then he asks, "Are you always this lovable and charming?" Of course I am! ;) To this he replied -

Well. Show me.... I wanna see it.

I told him that I don't perform on command, but he could ask me a question. Here's his beauty of a question -

When's the last time you cuddled a cute boy?

Just shoot me. You don't know anything about someone and this is the question you ask? Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll. Not only was this the question but he followed it with "teehee!" and 5 minutes later asked why I hadn't responded yet. I have things to do besides deal with your mind-numbing messages! My response (I just couldn't pretend to take this guy seriously) -

As I don't have any kids off my own, I don't cuddle with children. 

This was when he started to get mad. You would think he'd just stop responding.

You're just not funny

After my response, he told me he knows everything about me that he needs to know. I told him -

I knew everything I needed to know last time you messaged me :)

And that's not even totally true. I knew I would never meet this guy in person just by looking at his profile. He has two photos. His main profile photo is a kinda cheesy black and white head shot with his eyes edited to be green, but a really fake creepy alien green. His only other photo is the same head shot pasted onto a Vogue magazine. Ugh. He asked me, rather he said "pray tell", what I knew. I told him that I wasn't at all amused by the "always a bridesmaid" message. He was proud of himself for bothering me, but he was clueless. It doesn't bother me that I'm not married, and I've only been a bridesmaid a handful of times. What bothered me was that the message is tacky, and I specifically said in my profile that I didn't think insulting first messages were funny.

He went on to throw out insult after insult. I wasn't exactly sure what I did to tick him off so badly, but I really got him going. He got defensive and went on the attack. Meanwhile, I was "LOLing" and enjoying a lovely glass of wine.

Some of his insults -

You are a royal pain in the ass. [Guilty as charged]

Sweetness is a virtue, young lady...and you lost your virtue long ago... [Maybe I never had any virtue in the first place? How does he know? He just started talking to me]

You have NO SENSE OF HUMOUR. You're uptight. Guys don't like that, darlin' [Is he British or Texan? So confused]

I didn't send you a message because I wanted to go out with you. 
I just wanted to clue you in that you're a needy, shallow fruitcake, who would be lucky to bag a guy on market street, on the curb drooling on himself. [You didn't send me *a* message. You sent me FOUR]

Ask yourself why you don't have a hot date tonight to brag to your girlfriends about on Monday morning. [I actually did have a date. He called me a liar multiple times after I told him that. And it's really sad that he thinks I'd only want a date to be able to brag about it. Please. Writing about him is way more entertaining to all of you]

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was a pain in the ass, couldn't get a date for Sat night..and will never get married because she's so annoying. The end! Remind you of anyone you know.....teehee!!!  [Teehee is the only thing I find more annoying than LOL]

How many tubes of concealer do you go through a month? 

The last one I found particularly amusing. If you've ever met me you know that I don't wear much makeup at all. Not only do I not go through makeup quickly at all, I probably still have makeup from prom. I should do an inventory and throw that stuff away.

He also went back to look at my profile and wrote this -

Remember. This is you. 
less progressive 
less kinky 
less spiritual 
less pure 
less independent 
That's everything a growing boy needs. 

OKCupid takes the questions you answer and determines your "personality". Now keep in mind, all questions are optional so this isn't exactly scientific. In fact, I'm pretty sure they just get drunk on a Friday at the office, make this shit up, and laugh about it. I hadn't looked at this part of my profile in awhile so I was curious. Yup, it does in fact say this. It also says I am more experienced in life, into exercise, spontaneous, energetic, cool, adventurous, and competitive. I'll take my "more" list over the "less" list any day.

I was bored and had a date to get to so I told him, "You're no longer amusing me." Then I blocked him.

I Regret Nothing!

When a guy resorts to immature insults, my Ice Princess instincts kick in and I find it much easier, and more entertaining, to mess with the guy than to get upset. (You can thank my high school boyfriend for giving me the Ice Princess nickname.) However, I’ve been lucky that none of the jerks have been guys I’ve actually met in person. I have somehow managed to keep them contained to these websites.

A friend of mine wasn’t so lucky. She went out with a guy and when she told him she wasn’t interested, he went psycho to the point where he was actually being frightening. She is an attractive, intelligent, successful woman who does not under any circumstances deserve to be treated this way.

A group of us have been giving her our two cents on what she should or shouldn’t do next. I thought we could break down what happened for all of you so that this never happens to her (or any of you) again, and you all could help us decide what she should do.

His profile

I love OKCupid A-list and its invisible browsing. It means I can check out profiles for my friends and the guys will never know. So this guy’s profile has a bunch of red flags -

1. He’s listed as “replies often”. That means either no one messages him or he’s desperate and writes back to everyone who gives him the time of day.
2. In two of his photos, there’s a girl standing next to him who is cropped out. I don’t care who she is, but don’t make girls guess. Get a better photo.
3. He says he’s 5’8” but has no photos of him standing in a group where you can see how tall he actually is. The chances of him actually being 5’8” are slim to none.
4. His 2013 to-do list includes several adrenaline junkie activities, but other than one whitewater rafting photo, there’s no other mention of being an adventurous person on his profile. As a true adrenaline junkie (“Hi, I’m S. I’m an addict.” “Hi, S.”) I can tell you that he wants people to think he’s adventurous, but he’s really not. I’ll take it back if he actually ends the year with a Tough Mudder race bib like he claims he will. Even if he does, it’s a fun race, but it’s not actually that impressive.
5. He mentions something about being good at making up reasons for why he’s on an online dating site. Combine that with his height and he likely has some serious self-esteem issues. (Sorry to the short guys out there, but it’s true.) He also mentions that he doesn’t eat fruit. That’s just weird.
6. He says he’s interested in girls 18-35. 18??? That’s disgusting and nearly half your age.
7. He says you should message him if you’re an emotional drunk because watching a breakdown is entertaining. Seriously, dude? I already want to smack this guy.

Pre-date messages

The first message wasn’t too bad. A little long, which reinforces the desperation that his profile insinuates, but it was generally complimentary. It asked whether or not she usually dates Asian guys (she is Asian), again implying that he doesn’t have much self-confidence. The message was also sent at 4:15 AM. The warning bells are getting louder.

Unfortunately, my friend made a few classic blunders. First, she apologized for not living in the city. Don’t apologize for anything before you meet a guy. You’re a catch! He should be willing to go to Timbuktu to meet you. Then, she gave both her phone number and name out before he did. She hates these messaging systems, as most of us do, but it’s jackasses like this that continue to prove my point of why it’s worth keeping your information private until you meet the guy and can see if he’s going to go completely bananas on you or not.

Once they moved to texting, the guy started showing his true colors. She suggested a neighborhood for them to meet in. He started interrogating her about why she wanted to go to that neighborhood and got upset that she had plans for later in the evening on a weekend night. (This is why I don’t do weekend nights for a first date.) Then he started saying that she’s going to “dine and ditch”. She felt bad that he got that impression, but in actuality, he’s an ass for ever even implying this in the first place.

The date

The date was fine, but she wasn’t feeling any chemistry. He said a few weird things, like that he once had a girl throw a pepper shaker at his head during a date. (I’m sensing a pattern of behavior on his end.) She offered to split the bill, and he declined as he should have. His profile says he makes over $100K so it’s not like this was a big imposition. She then offered to buy him a drink because she felt uncomfortable after the “dine and ditch” conversation and wanted to make sure he didn’t feel like she was taking advantage of the situation, which does happen. It was fine for him to go for a drink, but he should have paid for the drink as well if he were a true gentleman.

Then he continued to break all sorts of first date etiquette rules and asked her what she thought of the two of them. He didn’t just ask her out a second time. He asked her to define their 5 minute long “relationship”! She told him she thought they were better as friends and immediately realized he was actually interested. Then the crazy appeared.

Post-date messages

First message from after dinner -

FYI the best etiquette is to insist to split the bill if you're not feeling a connection

Nope, buddy. You may think you’re super smart with your midwestern MBA, but the best etiquette is for the guy to pay. Period. She apologized, which was again unnecessary. And despite the apology, he started being a total f-ing douchebag.

I was trying to keep an open mind despite the ethnic studies, mannish look and marketing background. Thanks for the lesson on generosity.

My friend was obviously shocked and disturbed that she was getting this ridiculous of a response. She said that she hadn’t intended to lead him on. She was being genuine with him, giving him very straight answers. There was nothing she could have said that would have made him calm down. He went on to call her a lesbian, since in his puny little mind she must like women if she’s not into him, and said she had a thick bottom half, which she does not. She got a little peeved and called him an “MBA douchelord” (thanks for making all of us look bad, jerk). He continued to insult her personality, her appearance and her career. Mocking her career and company (saying she works on a no name product that’s destined to fail) was particularly amusing to me since he is working at a start up that is very much struggling to get off the ground and has been rejected multiple times from the company where she works. Impressively, she ended with -

I still wish you the best. It's very sad to see such a hateful litany from you. I don't think you're this kind of guy whatsoever and am hoping you're just having a bad night. Take care of yourself.

He continued to send her nasty messages, proving just how insecure and pathetic he is.

Now what?

So, my dear readers, we’re leaving it up to you to decide what she does next. Several of our friends are a little, shall we say, vindictive. Personally, I think we can take the high road (which is what she has already done and plans to do unless convinced otherwise), be intelligent and still show the asshole just how awful he was. Here are our options:

1. Online retaliation

   Example: set up a fake OKCupid or Grindr profile with his info and mess with him

2. Offline retaliation

   Example: flyer his office with print outs of the asinine texts he was sending

3. Circulate this post

Personally, I think any additional attention that she gives him feeds his pathetic little ego. She (and the rest of my friends) are better off focusing their time and attention on the nice guys out there who aren’t going to treat women like this.

If you agree with #3 (and live in or know anyone in SF), I’ll ask a few things of you:

1. Send this to all of the girls you know who are doing online dating so they know to avoid this guy if they ever run across him or a guy like him
2. Send this to any guy you know who could be a douchebag online dater
3. Repost this on Facebook or whichever other social networks you’re on

I don’t think I’m underestimating how small San Francisco is or how powerful the network of business school students is in this city when I’m guessing that this blog post could very easily reach his inbox by the end of the day. Like I said previously, when you’re online dating it’s in your best interest to treat people well.

This has been a public service announcement. The end.

Boats, Hilary Duff, Tennis Rackets and Gerbils

Just when I thought I wouldn't have a good story to share today, the crazy messages started coming in.


Motion of the ocean

Another beauty of a first message -

hey there :)gotta question for ya. Are you more of a motion of the ocean type or does the size of the boat matter more... just curious thats all, not a perve lol :)...hope i didnt offend

Seriously? And lol needs to be banned from all writing permanently. I don't know why that's a pet peeve, but it drives me nuts.

My response, which was my actual reaction to this message -

This question makes me think that maybe you've disappointed more than one woman with the size of your boat. If that's the case, I'm very sorry.

This conversation went on to talk about how he is in fact not well-endowed. He asked if I knew anyone like this. I said that I did. I was getting bored with this conversion so I said -

He jumped off a bridge. His funeral was very sad. Lol. Dead people make me LMFAO 

Yeah, I know. I might have crossed a line there. Didn't stop him. He went on to say his ex nicknamed his smalls. He asked if I liked the nickname, and fortunately my response ended the conversation -

Lol lol lol lol lol lol​

Hilary Duff?

First message from this guy was, "Always the bridesmaid..." That's kind of insulting. Then he sent a second message. "Well, Hilary Duff, aren't you going to introduce yourself...?" Now I don't look like Hilary Duff, but whatever I engaged. I responded with "I'm Hilary Duff. You just said so yourself." He later asked my real name. Now his username refers to a celebrity so I responded with the name of that celebrity's ex-wife. He, of course, didn't get the reference. A few messages later he asked why I hadn't said he wasn't cute. I told him a confident guy didn't need to fish for compliments. This morning he messaged me "Hey Baby-girl..." Yeah, no. And baby girl is not hyphenated.


Do you play tennis?

First message asked if I play tennis. Now I list many activities that I participate in. Tennis is not one of them. I answered with "nope". This did not deter. His response was -

Ok, imagine a scenario where I have two racquets, some tennis balls, and I'm not that good at it. Would you want to play?

I told him I would put the tennis ball in his mouth and hit him with the racquet. I really thought this would scare him off. Nope. He wants to play tennis this weekend. I don't think so.

I want to be your maid

This one definitely takes the cake.

Would you like a man, willing be your live in maid? (or butler, if it's too much for you.) I will dress in whatever you want me to, ever day, and take care of you, your home, and your personal needs. 

I'm tired of trying to keep a job, and I'm tired of being alone. I've discovered what makes me happy in life, is being loved and appreciated. So I'm looking to dedicate my existence to a lucky woman.

If he's kidding, it's a very elaborate joke. Several of his photos are of him dressed up in a maid costume.

Not his actual photo. He looks scarier than this.

I told him that I already have a maid and a butler and asked what else he can do. Then it just got wrong. (You can guess where the conversation went.) But apparently he does what he's told. It ended with "don't hurt the gerbil unless the gerbil likes it". Then he got blocked.

The end.

We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together. Like, Ever.

On Sunday I got the most comical, intense, bizarre 9 paragraph first message. Warning- this post is not suitable for children.


What, WHAT, WHAAATTT?!

When I first opened the message, my immediate thought was, "Whoa, this is long." He starts out regurgitating basic facts about himself that are already covered in his profile - height, weight, ethnicity. Then it starts to get a little strange.

In conversation, let's connect about real things that interest us like backroads exploration, biking, bowling, Bay Area sports, farmers' market hopping, foodie finding, poker playing, classic cars, writing, music, record/vinyl searching, movies, dancing, cooking, even things we miss from the past. 

Things that interest us? We're an us already? And I specifically mention that I don't like to cook. What is foodie finding? Stalking foodies? Well, this was just the tip of the iceberg.

I'd be someone as strong as your father, as fun as your friend, as protective as an older brother, and as reliable as water is wet. And if you would reflect this all back naturally, then that is magic. 

What? You want to be my father? As reliable as water is wet? Then, it just got completely inappropriate.

There's no doubt that time is short and getting intimate is an eventuality. We all sometimes just want sex - I get that. We can all get that. I can accommodate that, anyone can do it. However, I will make love to you. I will make you feel it. I will make you want it. I will satisfy you skillfully. Completely. Over and over. You will think about it. You will remember it. You will even think you can taste it at random moments throughout the day. You will want it over and over. 

There are just no words for that part. He ends with some real gems.

I do care that you can hold a decent conversation, have a sense of humor, aren't a flake, not too full of yourself, can control your temper, remember common courtesy our parents taught us and are not ghetto!

Perhaps you aren't afraid to act like a kid, all the while a hottie.

Dramatic readings

This was too good to not be shared. There were several dramatic readings of this masterpiece throughout the rest of the day. It was clear that I needed to respond, but what kind of response would do this justice? Song lyrics! What kind of song lyrics? This was debated throughout the day. Then a friend had a brilliant idea. Taylor Swift.


We are never ever ever ever getting back together. Like, ever.

Now we all know that Taylor Swift is a little cray cray in some of her relationships. Many of her songs make her look like the psychotic girlfriend that she likely is. Cut and paste some of the best lines from multiple songs... epic.

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us. How we met and the sparks flew instantly. People would say, "They're the lucky ones." If you only knew me, we could be a beautiful miracle. I watch you talk, you didn't notice. I hear the words, but all I can think is we should be together. 

Every time you smile, I smile. Every time you shine, I'll shine for you. It's like a million little stars spelling out your name. Tell me things like, I can't take my eyes off of you. I'm no one special. Just another wide-eyed girl who's desperately in love with you. And I don't know why but with you, I'd dance in a storm in my best dress. 

The delicate beginning rush, the feeling you can know so much, without knowing anything at all. We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical. 

I knew you were trouble when you walked in. So shame on me. Were you just kidding? Because it seems to me this thing is breaking down. We almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore. I know all the steps up to your door, but I don't want to go there anymore. 

There was one thing missing, and that was the moment I knew. Never imagined we'd end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips. As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn. There is nothing I do better than revenge. 

But we are never ever ever ever getting back together. 
Like, ever.

You must be a bot

Poor guy must never listen to the radio. Not even the last line gave it away for him. At first he was confused. "Excuse me? This was only my first time contacting you..." Yeah, exactly. Then he thought I was a bot. (A Taylor Swift OKC bot would be brilliant!) I didn't want to mess with the guy more so I recommended that he keep his first messages to one or two paragraphs with no mention of sex. I also told him that the effort to write more than "hi" was appreciated, and I wished him luck. He wished me luck as well and didn't seem upset by the interaction when all was said and done.

I like to think that the guy might try a different tactic and get some responses from interested women. I'm sure when he finds the girl of his dreams, he'll be reliable as water is wet and make her very happy.

First Messages: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The first messages I've gotten have run the gamut from funny to downright insulting. Here are some of the standouts.


The "Neg"

I will never understand this tactic. This morning I received the most insulting one yet. "this profile reads like a resume. You're a little full of yourself?" I stupidly engaged, as part of this whole social experiment, and told him that just I know what I want and his message made him sound like a jerk. I couldn't bring myself to pretend he was just being funny or act like a ditz to see what he thought I should change. Well, if the original message wasn't intended to be purely insulting, calling him a jerk made his follow up message incredibly insulting.

I'm just a better writer than you. You can convey your adventurous side without a list of accomplishments. I could go on and on....go hire a professional writer or editor. Or continue to fail miserably when it comes to this specific venture. Up to you.

Wow, just wow. Awfully cocky to say he's a better writer than I am considering in his first message he didn't capitalize the first sentence and he put a question mark on a statement. You're a better writer than I am when you don't even know basic sentence structure? My follow up:

I don't find your profile, or you, the slightest bit interesting. I've been contacted by plenty of men who are not intimidated by what I've accomplished, which clearly you are. As evidenced by the dates your photos were uploaded, you seem to have been on this site since at least October. Who's the one failing miserably? 

Keep insulting women. That's a fabulous way to find a date. Maybe this explains why you're 36, still single, and trolling dating sites at 1:30 in the morning.

Ok, so that was probably an overreaction, but this guy is so obnoxious. His response included "Lol" and "ps" (correctly written that should be either PS or P.S.) and suggested a writing class I should take. What an arrogant jerk. I told him to go bother someone else and blocked him. Confirmed - guys who send negs are exactly as horrible as their messages imply. </rant>


The Confusing Message

There have been quite a few variations on this one. Today's confusing message was, "Who is your dentist?" Is he implying that I have good teeth or bad teeth? If he actually wants a dentist, I think the correct site is Yelp not a dating site. I don't respond to these messages. I'm just too bewildered.


The "Out of My Age Range" Message

This one made me chuckle, especially since he was within the age range I listed.

don't do that your younger than me bs because ill change your outlook on that given half a chance. I love to lie until after then see your faces of he got me! But thats not it all you just need to not be prejudice woman. And let ne represent me. :)

 The immaturity of the message speaks for itself.


Other Categories

TMI: Don't mention diseases you have or your mom's cancer treatment in a first message. It's just too much.

Wrong Location: Thanks for the compliments from Indonesia and India, but please don't clog my inbox.

Short But Sweet: A catchy one liner could get you a response if I think you're attractive and you have an interesting profile.

Overeager: Wait until at least the second message to ask me out if the only thing you're going to say is "you are really cute!" However, this can work if you've got a unique idea of something to do.


The Compliment

By far the most successful tactic for getting my attention. Two days ago I got a good one - "Endurance races and tris? That's awesome! You've piqued my interest." He goes on to talk about races he's done and mentions the game two truths and a lie, which I reference in my profile. We played the game through the messaging app for over an hour, then again the following night. His adventures rival mine. First day of messaging and 5 messages in, he asked me on a date and had 4 ideas on interesting things we could do. All of them were great options.

In addition to being adventurous, he's attractive (at least in his photos), has a graduate degree, is the same age as I am, and offered to pick me up for the date (this still happens?!). Fingers crossed that it goes well in person. He seems way too good to be true.