Boats, Hilary Duff, Tennis Rackets and Gerbils

Just when I thought I wouldn't have a good story to share today, the crazy messages started coming in.


Motion of the ocean

Another beauty of a first message -

hey there :)gotta question for ya. Are you more of a motion of the ocean type or does the size of the boat matter more... just curious thats all, not a perve lol :)...hope i didnt offend

Seriously? And lol needs to be banned from all writing permanently. I don't know why that's a pet peeve, but it drives me nuts.

My response, which was my actual reaction to this message -

This question makes me think that maybe you've disappointed more than one woman with the size of your boat. If that's the case, I'm very sorry.

This conversation went on to talk about how he is in fact not well-endowed. He asked if I knew anyone like this. I said that I did. I was getting bored with this conversion so I said -

He jumped off a bridge. His funeral was very sad. Lol. Dead people make me LMFAO 

Yeah, I know. I might have crossed a line there. Didn't stop him. He went on to say his ex nicknamed his smalls. He asked if I liked the nickname, and fortunately my response ended the conversation -

Lol lol lol lol lol lol​

Hilary Duff?

First message from this guy was, "Always the bridesmaid..." That's kind of insulting. Then he sent a second message. "Well, Hilary Duff, aren't you going to introduce yourself...?" Now I don't look like Hilary Duff, but whatever I engaged. I responded with "I'm Hilary Duff. You just said so yourself." He later asked my real name. Now his username refers to a celebrity so I responded with the name of that celebrity's ex-wife. He, of course, didn't get the reference. A few messages later he asked why I hadn't said he wasn't cute. I told him a confident guy didn't need to fish for compliments. This morning he messaged me "Hey Baby-girl..." Yeah, no. And baby girl is not hyphenated.


Do you play tennis?

First message asked if I play tennis. Now I list many activities that I participate in. Tennis is not one of them. I answered with "nope". This did not deter. His response was -

Ok, imagine a scenario where I have two racquets, some tennis balls, and I'm not that good at it. Would you want to play?

I told him I would put the tennis ball in his mouth and hit him with the racquet. I really thought this would scare him off. Nope. He wants to play tennis this weekend. I don't think so.

I want to be your maid

This one definitely takes the cake.

Would you like a man, willing be your live in maid? (or butler, if it's too much for you.) I will dress in whatever you want me to, ever day, and take care of you, your home, and your personal needs. 

I'm tired of trying to keep a job, and I'm tired of being alone. I've discovered what makes me happy in life, is being loved and appreciated. So I'm looking to dedicate my existence to a lucky woman.

If he's kidding, it's a very elaborate joke. Several of his photos are of him dressed up in a maid costume.

Not his actual photo. He looks scarier than this.

I told him that I already have a maid and a butler and asked what else he can do. Then it just got wrong. (You can guess where the conversation went.) But apparently he does what he's told. It ended with "don't hurt the gerbil unless the gerbil likes it". Then he got blocked.

The end.