We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together. Like, Ever.

On Sunday I got the most comical, intense, bizarre 9 paragraph first message. Warning- this post is not suitable for children.


What, WHAT, WHAAATTT?!

When I first opened the message, my immediate thought was, "Whoa, this is long." He starts out regurgitating basic facts about himself that are already covered in his profile - height, weight, ethnicity. Then it starts to get a little strange.

In conversation, let's connect about real things that interest us like backroads exploration, biking, bowling, Bay Area sports, farmers' market hopping, foodie finding, poker playing, classic cars, writing, music, record/vinyl searching, movies, dancing, cooking, even things we miss from the past. 

Things that interest us? We're an us already? And I specifically mention that I don't like to cook. What is foodie finding? Stalking foodies? Well, this was just the tip of the iceberg.

I'd be someone as strong as your father, as fun as your friend, as protective as an older brother, and as reliable as water is wet. And if you would reflect this all back naturally, then that is magic. 

What? You want to be my father? As reliable as water is wet? Then, it just got completely inappropriate.

There's no doubt that time is short and getting intimate is an eventuality. We all sometimes just want sex - I get that. We can all get that. I can accommodate that, anyone can do it. However, I will make love to you. I will make you feel it. I will make you want it. I will satisfy you skillfully. Completely. Over and over. You will think about it. You will remember it. You will even think you can taste it at random moments throughout the day. You will want it over and over. 

There are just no words for that part. He ends with some real gems.

I do care that you can hold a decent conversation, have a sense of humor, aren't a flake, not too full of yourself, can control your temper, remember common courtesy our parents taught us and are not ghetto!

Perhaps you aren't afraid to act like a kid, all the while a hottie.

Dramatic readings

This was too good to not be shared. There were several dramatic readings of this masterpiece throughout the rest of the day. It was clear that I needed to respond, but what kind of response would do this justice? Song lyrics! What kind of song lyrics? This was debated throughout the day. Then a friend had a brilliant idea. Taylor Swift.


We are never ever ever ever getting back together. Like, ever.

Now we all know that Taylor Swift is a little cray cray in some of her relationships. Many of her songs make her look like the psychotic girlfriend that she likely is. Cut and paste some of the best lines from multiple songs... epic.

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us. How we met and the sparks flew instantly. People would say, "They're the lucky ones." If you only knew me, we could be a beautiful miracle. I watch you talk, you didn't notice. I hear the words, but all I can think is we should be together. 

Every time you smile, I smile. Every time you shine, I'll shine for you. It's like a million little stars spelling out your name. Tell me things like, I can't take my eyes off of you. I'm no one special. Just another wide-eyed girl who's desperately in love with you. And I don't know why but with you, I'd dance in a storm in my best dress. 

The delicate beginning rush, the feeling you can know so much, without knowing anything at all. We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical. 

I knew you were trouble when you walked in. So shame on me. Were you just kidding? Because it seems to me this thing is breaking down. We almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore. I know all the steps up to your door, but I don't want to go there anymore. 

There was one thing missing, and that was the moment I knew. Never imagined we'd end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips. As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn. There is nothing I do better than revenge. 

But we are never ever ever ever getting back together. 
Like, ever.

You must be a bot

Poor guy must never listen to the radio. Not even the last line gave it away for him. At first he was confused. "Excuse me? This was only my first time contacting you..." Yeah, exactly. Then he thought I was a bot. (A Taylor Swift OKC bot would be brilliant!) I didn't want to mess with the guy more so I recommended that he keep his first messages to one or two paragraphs with no mention of sex. I also told him that the effort to write more than "hi" was appreciated, and I wished him luck. He wished me luck as well and didn't seem upset by the interaction when all was said and done.

I like to think that the guy might try a different tactic and get some responses from interested women. I'm sure when he finds the girl of his dreams, he'll be reliable as water is wet and make her very happy.