I Know You Are, But What Am I

Some guys just don't get it. At all. And I don't think they ever will. But when you call them out on this, they really don't like it. Some resort to the most infantile name-calling. It's hilarious.

<insert eye roll>

The other day I got another terrible first message -

How does a girl like you get to be a girl like you?

Oh please. What does that even mean? (That was my actual response, and my response back to him.) Then I realized that this guy had messaged me before. But not just once before, THREE TIMES. I've already even written about him in a post. He was the guy who called me Hilary Duff. He seemed to have zero recollection of messaging me before. This was going to be fun.

Oh please. You again.

You've messaged me before

His response to "what does that even mean" was just classic - 

I'm not exactly sure. 
But the first sentence you send a girl has to not be ridiculous... 
But it should at least trigger a response. Which it did. 

Let's break this down. First, he sent a message and he doesn't know what it means. Why would you do that? How do you even know if the response is a good one if you don't know why you're asking the question? Next, he thinks that this is *not* a ridiculous message? Oh yes it is, my friend. Now it did trigger a response, but only for the purposes of this story. Finally, it's not the first message he's sent. This guy is clueless.

After his lovely response, I told him he has messaged me before. His response just made him more irritating -

I have.... 

And what....you have zero interest in chatting with me? 

Or....a little bit more than zero?

More eye rolls. I replied - 

Just wondering why you referenced the first sentence you send a girl when that was not the first sentence

He, of course, does not respond to this, but he does go on to sarcastically call me a "wonderful conversational companion". Send asinine first messages to a girl over and over, then try to insult her? Oh this guy's got it coming. More inane back and forth, then he asks, "Are you always this lovable and charming?" Of course I am! ;) To this he replied -

Well. Show me.... I wanna see it.

I told him that I don't perform on command, but he could ask me a question. Here's his beauty of a question -

When's the last time you cuddled a cute boy?

Just shoot me. You don't know anything about someone and this is the question you ask? Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll. Not only was this the question but he followed it with "teehee!" and 5 minutes later asked why I hadn't responded yet. I have things to do besides deal with your mind-numbing messages! My response (I just couldn't pretend to take this guy seriously) -

As I don't have any kids off my own, I don't cuddle with children. 

This was when he started to get mad. You would think he'd just stop responding.

You're just not funny

After my response, he told me he knows everything about me that he needs to know. I told him -

I knew everything I needed to know last time you messaged me :)

And that's not even totally true. I knew I would never meet this guy in person just by looking at his profile. He has two photos. His main profile photo is a kinda cheesy black and white head shot with his eyes edited to be green, but a really fake creepy alien green. His only other photo is the same head shot pasted onto a Vogue magazine. Ugh. He asked me, rather he said "pray tell", what I knew. I told him that I wasn't at all amused by the "always a bridesmaid" message. He was proud of himself for bothering me, but he was clueless. It doesn't bother me that I'm not married, and I've only been a bridesmaid a handful of times. What bothered me was that the message is tacky, and I specifically said in my profile that I didn't think insulting first messages were funny.

He went on to throw out insult after insult. I wasn't exactly sure what I did to tick him off so badly, but I really got him going. He got defensive and went on the attack. Meanwhile, I was "LOLing" and enjoying a lovely glass of wine.

Some of his insults -

You are a royal pain in the ass. [Guilty as charged]

Sweetness is a virtue, young lady...and you lost your virtue long ago... [Maybe I never had any virtue in the first place? How does he know? He just started talking to me]

You have NO SENSE OF HUMOUR. You're uptight. Guys don't like that, darlin' [Is he British or Texan? So confused]

I didn't send you a message because I wanted to go out with you. 
I just wanted to clue you in that you're a needy, shallow fruitcake, who would be lucky to bag a guy on market street, on the curb drooling on himself. [You didn't send me *a* message. You sent me FOUR]

Ask yourself why you don't have a hot date tonight to brag to your girlfriends about on Monday morning. [I actually did have a date. He called me a liar multiple times after I told him that. And it's really sad that he thinks I'd only want a date to be able to brag about it. Please. Writing about him is way more entertaining to all of you]

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was a pain in the ass, couldn't get a date for Sat night..and will never get married because she's so annoying. The end! Remind you of anyone you know.....teehee!!!  [Teehee is the only thing I find more annoying than LOL]

How many tubes of concealer do you go through a month? 

The last one I found particularly amusing. If you've ever met me you know that I don't wear much makeup at all. Not only do I not go through makeup quickly at all, I probably still have makeup from prom. I should do an inventory and throw that stuff away.

He also went back to look at my profile and wrote this -

Remember. This is you. 
less progressive 
less kinky 
less spiritual 
less pure 
less independent 
That's everything a growing boy needs. 

OKCupid takes the questions you answer and determines your "personality". Now keep in mind, all questions are optional so this isn't exactly scientific. In fact, I'm pretty sure they just get drunk on a Friday at the office, make this shit up, and laugh about it. I hadn't looked at this part of my profile in awhile so I was curious. Yup, it does in fact say this. It also says I am more experienced in life, into exercise, spontaneous, energetic, cool, adventurous, and competitive. I'll take my "more" list over the "less" list any day.

I was bored and had a date to get to so I told him, "You're no longer amusing me." Then I blocked him.