It's Not Official Until It's Facebook Official

So, folks, here you go. The final blog post.


The first message

Toward the end of July, on a day when I had gotten home from a mediocre date that was number two of five for that week, I had a new message from a guy who I thought was very attractive.

You are quite the accomplished women. I admire the drive and the passion. I also work in tech, being a founding member of a social network out here in the bay. Tell me a little about your job, you seem quite passionate about it. What is it exactly that you do that allows you so much freedom for adventures?

Short, complimentary, and he had clearly read my profile. I clicked through to his profile. He had sunglasses on in the other two photos he had posted so it was hard to tell what he really looked like, but there weren't any creepy selfies or shirtless pics.  No red flags in the rest of his profile, though he did go to school that has a bit of a football history with mine and mentioned an interesting pop culture reference. I wrote back.

I work in HR and am lucky to be at a place that's generous with vacation time. Not sure what I think about you being a longhorn (fight on) and the d.e.n.n.i.s. system...

He responded about an hour later, and we started messaging back and forth. The cadence was rather slow. At several points there were a few days in between responses. That weekend was also my first date with Climber Guy.

Getting the first date

He first asked me out in message #3, four days after his first message. His date suggestion was dinner, which while not original is more of an investment than just drinks, and he did have a more adventurous second date hiking idea. I told him that the upcoming week was busy, which it was. I already had 3 dates scheduled and 3 nights booked with plans with friends. He waited six days to respond during which time I was starting to hang out more with Climber Guy and wasn't checking my messages too thoroughly anymore.

Five days later, when he followed up on his unanswered message, the timing started working more in our favor. Two days prior on a Thursday I had written this post pondering about how a relationship that started online actually moves fully into the real world. I should have realized that if I was thinking that much about it, it wasn't a good sign. On Friday, Climber Guy and I had an awkward conversation where it first became apparent that he wasn't interested in getting more serious, at least not with me. I wasn't in the best mood about this on Saturday, which is when the follow up message came.  The message simply said that he was still interested.

That Saturday was a bit of an emotional day, mostly concocted in my own head, but I went home and decided it was in my best interest to start responding to messages online again since it was looking likely that things weren't going anywhere with Climber Guy. For the first time in well over a week I started responding to messages and spent several hours online that night doing so. But for some reason the only date that actually got scheduled was in response to the follow up message. We sent several messages back and forth that night (28 to be exact) and scheduled a date for the upcoming Wednesday, three weeks after his initial message. He asked for my number once and I ignored the request. Then a few messages later he asked what the best way to reach me was. I said I'd message him on Wednesday.

So who are you exactly?

As Wednesday got closer, Climber Guy asked what I was doing that night. I have a date with someone else! I wanted to tell him that, though of course I didn't. He definitely suspected something was up when I was mysteriously unavailable. The whole thing made me feel guilty, as if I were cheating, but I knew it was a good idea to go on the date.

A few days later I was telling one of my fellow online daters that I was seeing a new guy that week. She wanted to check out his profile so I sent her his OKC username. As I was typing it out, the pattern of numbers he used looked very familiar. His username had his birthday in it, which was the day before mine. I then realized his username was just his actual name. A quick search and I easily uncovered his identity, including where he worked. In his first message he said he worked at a social network. The social network was actually a dating site. Oh this just got interesting.

I sent him a message asking which social network he worked at. He replied-

That's actually a very funny story. I can answer it now, or I can save it for our dinner, I'll let you decide.

I told him I could probably figure it out, since I already had, so he might as well tell me. He was completely upfront about it so I asked if he was doing research or actually supporting a competitor. To this he replied, he was actually using OKCupid for its intended purpose. I was a little skeptical, but willing to see if there was a blog post in the whole story.


The first date

Our first date went well. Dinner was lovely. We had good conversation. He was a perfect gentleman. After dinner he drove me home and dropped me off. A little bit later I got the first date follow up message -

I had a great time tonight. We should do this again.

To that I replied -

I had fun too :)

The next day partly out of curiosity, partly for blog material, I tried to create an account for the site he works at. I couldn't log in. Somehow I had created an account previously, though I don't remember doing this, and in trying to reactivate my account, I had gotten stuck in a weird error loop. I sent him a text telling him his site didn't work. I've been told there's still an open bug they're working on to fix this. I feel pretty proud of myself for finding a bug. Italian Bear understands :)


The second date

We started texting back and forth, but at this point I was still seeing Climber Guy, and I didn't at all like the feeling of seeing multiple guys at once. So I kept delaying a second date. The following week things ended with Climber Guy. First he said he didn't feel like there was a "spark", but the conversation quickly turned into how when he's in a relationship he wants to be single and when he's single he wants to be in a relationship. Whether or not there was anything I could have done differently, it was pretty clear that he wasn't ready for a serious commitment. Regardless, I was a little down about the whole thing.

I wasn't really in the mood to go on more dates so I stayed off the dating sites, but the text conversation was pleasant and fun so I kept that going. The week was busy and I had a friend and her toddler coming to stay with me that weekend so I wasn't sure if or when a second date would happen. But he was persistent and unfazed by a three year old so he joined the bunch of us for pizza. We had a fun, though very atypical, second date.


I have a blog

The following week I was out of town for work for a few days. While I was gone, we were talking back and forth quite a bit. The topic of writing came up in the conversation. Hmm, maybe I can mention the blog through this conversation. Sure enough, that worked and when I told him I had a blog on online dating, he wanted to read it. I sent him the link and he read through the whole thing. Much to my surprise, he actually liked it. Then he of course wanted to know what was happening with Climber Guy since I hadn't written any updates recently. I explained the story I told above and he seemed satisfied with my answer. We scheduled a date for the upcoming weekend.

After our third date, I went online to look through the old messages he had sent. His account was gone. He had either blocked me or closed his account. I texted my friend who had checked out his profile before and asked her if she could still see it. Account was closed. I texted him about it. He said, "It had served its purpose :)"


It's not official until it's Facebook official

Fast forward to this past Sunday. We had gone on 8 dates already and spent nearly the entire weekend together. Spending time with him was easy and fun. I was at his place doing work, and he was napping on the couch next to me. I decided to add him as a friend on Facebook. I was curious what his reaction would be. He saw the notification when he woke up, smiled, and said, "So it's official now?" I said, "Yes, we're officially Facebook friends." He had a smirk on his face, and I knew he was up to something. He said, "What if I up the ante?" Then I saw a notification come through.

I asked him if this was him asking me to be his girlfriend and he said it was. I warned him that it was going to cause a stir on Facebook, which of course it did. Someone asked if he was Climber Guy, and since the post is shared on both of our Facebook pages, all of his friends saw that too. He apparently now is teasingly being called Not the Climber Guy. He doesn't really need a nickname now since he already revealed his identity, but he gets to be called boyfriend which seems much better to me.

First Date Kiss of Death

Despite explaining my rationale, I continue to get comments about how wrong I am to not contact the guy first after a date. I understand that this has worked for other couples, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. Why?

1) It's working as intented so far
2) All of the guys I've liked have messaged me after the date
3) I want to be pursued (this is not the same as playing games)
4) This whole social experiment of online dating is to do things differently than I have before

This sums it up about right

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

You sent a message, got a response, exchanged witty banter, scheduled a date, and the day has come to actually meet. You show up on time and feel pretty confident that you made a good first impression. Now to make sure you don't put your foot in your mouth and come off totally crazypants. There are a few topics of conversation that are very likely to be the kiss of death on a first date.

Politics and religion: First dates should be light and fun. These topics are not. Unless you are a politician or a pastor, save this for later. This is especially true if you believe in things that are a little less common, like astrology, witchcraft or alien abduction. Keep the crazy hidden during the first date.

Family issues: Your brother is a lazy good-for-nothing who only plays video games, your cousin is having fertility issues, you don't get along with your dad. These are all important topics that should be discussed at some point, but the first date is not that time. Not only are they just way too much, but they're so negative. I am not the most peppy positive person, so if I'm picking up on your negativity, that's a very bad sign. Pop a Prozac if needed, but keep it cheerful.

Feminism: This never goes well. Either she has an opinion, and a strong one, or she has none at all. Guys, don't bring up any feminist issue. You'll likely either get in a fight or she'll stare at you blankly. Neither of those are good. Ladies, resist the urge to go off on whatever feminist topic is your passion. He does NOT want to know how you vote on abortion on date #1.

Ryan Gosling talking about feminism is the one exception

Your ex: I don't care how well or badly the end of your last relationship went. There are no circumstances I can think of where I would like to hear that story on a first date. I don't want to think about your ex before I know you. I put online dating in this category as well. I understand that it's a point of commonality, but I really don't know what he's looking for when he asks about this on a first date. Do you want me to tell you I just started and I haven't seen anyone else? I'm not lying to you. I'm pretty sure you don't really want to hear about the terrible messages and you definitely don't want to hear about good dates. Talking about bad dates makes you look like an ass. If a girl threw a pepper shaker at your head, I'm going to guess you might have provoked her, even if she is a nutjob. Maybe I'll just say I have a blog the next time I'm asked about this. That should get a good reaction.

Sex: Clearly the guy shouldn't bring this up. If he does, run away. When I was chatting about this blog post with a friend, he said to put sex on the off-limits list. I asked if it's a bad idea for a girl to bring it up as well. I liked his response - "Neither should. Because as soon as a guy thinks about sex he can't think about anything else." Very true.


Greedy corporate bastards

When I'm on a date where I'm not interested in the guy, I tend to get chatty. It's a little counter-intuitive, but I've come to the conclusion that I just keep talking to amuse myself. I've also realized that my go-to topic when I'm bored on a first date (and this only applies to first dates for some reason) is rent control. My apartment complex is not rent control, and the leasing agency is raising our rent by an absurd amount. I hate them. And I will tell you about it if you let me. You probably shouldn't. [side note: I need a new roommate so if you know anyone who's looking, send them my way]


Update

Climber Guy now knows about the blog. (If you're reading this, hello!) He came to see me at work on Friday and as we were leaving a coworker said, "Your blog is hilarious!" I dodged the topic a few times, then told him what it was later that day. He seems ok with it and so far has not hinted that he would rather I stop writing. He also seems to like the nickname. Well done, Italian Bear!

Journey from First Message to First Date

Today we're going to do a deep dive into how the 19 first dates I've been on have come about. From who sent the first message to how long it took to ask me out. Here goes.

Meme courtesy of C.W.

Sources

OKCupid has overwhelmingly been the best source of dates. 17 of the 19 dates have been from OKC. Of the other two, one was from Coffee Meets Bagel and the other from match. Granted I have been on OKC longer, but the dates from OKC started materializing quickly, while the other two are lagging far behind.

The first move

For every single date I've been on, the guy has sent the first message. I haven't sent all that many messages out first, but so far none of those have turned into dates. The mutual matching thing has been useful though. It's a very easy way for me express interest without even needing to send a message. Five of the dates came about from a mutual match of some type, though in every case with the exception of the CMB date where you rate simultaneously, the guy has rated me highly first.

The first message

The messages I've responded to that have turned into dates haven't been that long or even that clever. Nearly all of them referenced something in my profile, usually one of the activities I mention that I'm clearly passionate about, and most were only a few sentences. If I feel like there's enough in the message to start a conversation, it's not rude, and I find the profile pic attractive, I'll click through to look at his profile and decide whether to respond.

GUYS: Don't waste a ton of time writing a first message. Just read her profile and mention something about it  that you find interesting.

LADIES: Write about things that you're passionate about. Make it easy for a guy to find something to reference.

Pulling the trigger

Average number of messages he sends before actually asking me on a date is four. A few asked in the first message and the longest was seven. The longer ones usually happened when there were quick back and forth messages right away. Generally I'm going to get bored with the conversation if he doesn't ask me out relatively quickly. I say in my profile that I'm not looking for a pen pal. We're all on these sites to go out on dates so there's no point in beating around the bush.

The waiting time

After he asks me out, there are usually quite a few messages back and forth to schedule the date and pick an activity. Some banter is helpful too so that it all seems a little less awkward. It averages out to be twelve messages that he sends before we actually meet up.

From first message to first date is averaging a little over eight days. This is partly because I have generally avoided weekend night dates and reserve at least two weekday nights for my friends so that only leaves three possible nights and weekends during the day. The average is definitely going up as time goes on since my schedule is getting packed earlier and earlier in advance. I've only once met up with a guy the same day he asked me, and that was because he realized I had found him on LinkedIn already. Oops. Need to make sure I'm logged out before doing any investigating.

The date

Despite saying I like creative dates, the first dates have still been mostly the standard - seven have been drinks, three coffee. For the creative dates, leading the way are climbing (2) and the Exploratorium (2). If it's a non-creative date, I generally make sure it's somewhere close to home for me. I don't mind going farther if it's something a little out of the ordinary.

A second date?

So far all four of the guys I felt like I hit it off with have asked me on a second date. The asking on a second date situation has varied quite widely. For all four second dates, the guy has asked me out again AFTER the date was over either by text or via the messaging system. Five more guys have asked me out explicitly (as in saying let's plan a day and time) and I have declined. Four additional guys at the end of the date said they wanted to hang out again, but I never heard from them. I wasn't interested and would have declined, but I find this intriguing. Perhaps my somewhat flippant reply made it obvious that I wasn't interested, but if that's not the case, I wonder why the guy even bothered saying anything. Maybe he felt like it was polite? It's odd though. Five guys disappeared after the date, never to be heard from again. And the last one messaged me after, but never asked for a second date and faded away too.

GUYS: Just wait until later to ask her out a second time. It's awkward if she's not interested, and you seem like a gentleman for following up if she is. Wins all around!

Of the second dates, two were dinner, one was drinks and the last was the infamous laser tag. I went on a third date to a Giants game at which point I realized there definitely wasn't chemistry with that guy. The other third date was a bonfire which was super fun. There's still one more in play for a potential third date, but we'll see how things progress.

Laser Tag Vs Rock Climbing

Several people have asked me (or yelled at me on Facebook) about whether I think this online dating thing is a joke and if I'm getting jaded about the whole process. Well, rest assured, I do want to meet someone and I am taking it seriously. I've been going on 3-4 (mostly first) dates each week. It's exhausting to go on dates, write this blog, workout, do my real job, see my friends and try to squeeze some sleep in there too. I've given up on cleaning my apartment. I'm just going to get the housekeeper to come.

You tell 'em, Honey Boo Boo

The dates

Slightly against my better judgment, I'll give you some more stories about the dates. I haven't been writing too much about this because 1) they have all been nice guys and despite what some people seem to think, I'm not just mocking everyone, and 2) if it works out with any of these guys, they'll likely read the blog at some point and I don't want that to submarine what could have been a good relationship.

The past 6 weeks by the numbers... 

• 18 first dates
• 4 more first dates on my calendar
• 2 more in the process of being scheduled
• 4 second dates
• 2 that will likely get third dates
• 1 kiss

A girl can only drink so much coffee

One of the things that my profile says is bonus points if the guy can come up with something to do for a date that's not getting a drink or coffee. Not only does it show creativity, but to me it feels much less forced and contrived. That said, I've still done quite of lot of getting drinks and coffee. Creative dates have included going to the Exploratorium, seeing a concert in Dolores Park, watching the lights on the Bay Bridge, a Giants game, and the two most notable dates, laser tag and rock climbing.

While laser tag and rock climbing seem like similar styles of activities, the outcomes were completely opposite. Part was the environment and part was the execution, but some of it was just the guy and whether there was chemistry. Here's how the two played out.

It's war!

I gave a brief update earlier on Compliment Guy and the laser tag date. Now after some time has passed since that date, I have a few thoughts on why that date was doomed from the start. To reiterate, this was no normal game of laser tag. It was 5 hours of outdoor laser tag at night. I was a very good sport about the game and did enjoy myself (and won a round), but this wasn't the ideal situation for making a deeper connection with someone.

The environment: When I was asked about playing laser tag I was picturing How I Met Your Mother style indoor laser tag that would maybe last an hour or two. This was very different. We were outside in the pitch black in a park. Rolling around in the dirt, jumping off walls, and hiding in bushes were involved. Not exactly romantic.

The people: Laser tag was not me and Compliment guy against the world, it was me, him, his brother, his roommate and his coworker. And it was every man for himself. On a second date, it's a lot to ask of someone to be thrust into a group of people who already know each other, especially for this type of activity. It's particularly bad for me because I'm often quieter in those situations, and people don't always know what to make of that.

The outfit: He thought I was going to be cold so he gave me a pair of his plaid flannel pants that he insisted I wear. It wasn't that cold and I should have said no because at one point he cracked a joke saying I looked like a grandpa. That's just not sexy at all.

The activity: Laser tag is fun, but when all is said and done it's very competitive (especially with this group). It's a war game.

His mindset: He even admitted that he was in testosterone mode. Not the testosterone mode where he is trying to win over a female, but the mode where he's a boy playing boy games with his friends. There was a lot of debriefing about barrel rolls and other tactics. At one point, his coworker was trying to say that he and I should be on the same team, reminding him that it was a date. I mean we were in a park in the middle of the night. It could have been at least a little romantic had he been thinking that way. But no, his response was that you don't do date-like things during laser tag... 

My mindset: The whole time I felt a bit like I was being judged on my performance. Would everyone like me? Would I fit in? Was I going to hurt myself jumping down from something or trip on a rock? Was I going to lose the game? I had fun, but it did feel like a lot of pressure.

Sure enough, I could tell he was acting a little weird by the end, and I wasn't the slightest bit surprised that we didn't end up seeing each other again after the laser tag date.

Climbing. Climb on.

The rock climbing date was a first date, and an aggressive one at that. The place we went climbing was over an hour away so we were committing to nearly a full day together never having met. I figured at the very least I'd get a good workout in, but it was a big risk to be going on a first date with no escape route.

The environment: We went to Castle Rock which is a beautiful state park just over an hour south of the city. It was a warm, sunny day and the views were stunning. 

The people: There were lots of other hikers and climbers around so we weren't isolated just the two of us, but we weren't there with friends, family or coworkers. It was just us doing an activity together. 

The outfit: When I go climbing I wear a tank top and yoga/running tights. Plus, when you belay you're staring at the other person's butt the whole time. Much cuter look for me than flannel pants.

The activity: Climbing is about accomplishment and pushing yourself. It's a little bit competitive, but it's much more about the challenge and helping your climbing partner. Climbing is an environment of trust rather than a battle.

His mindset: He's a much more experienced climber than I am. I know enough to feel confident in what he was doing and that he wouldn't kill me. I think it was key that he was the expert for this kind of early date. I've gone climbing indoors on another first date, and I was as good as if not better than the guy, and it seemed like he was a bit emasculated. On the outdoor climbing date, he was teaching me and protecting me, essentially playing the classic chivalrous male role. 

My mindset: I had told him while we were planning the date that I'd only been climbing outdoors a few times and I was still basically a beginner. He was very patient with me, and I didn't feel like I had to pretend to be better than I was or know something I didn't. The whole date felt much more relaxed.

At the end of the date after packing up all of the gear, we were sitting at the top of the rocks taking in the view and talking. After a little while he kissed me. The first and only kiss of this whole endeavor so far. Usually on a first online date, that would be way too much, but we had spent enough time together that day that it seemed more like 2 or 3 dates. And he couldn't have picked a much better spot for a first kiss. We went out a second time last night. A more traditional second date of dinner and a walk. The second date went as well as the first. This could have some potential.

See, my friends, nothing to fear. I don't think the whole thing is a joke. There are definitely nice guys out there and I am meeting them. Who knows if "the one" is in the bunch, but it's too soon to tell.

I Regret Nothing!

When a guy resorts to immature insults, my Ice Princess instincts kick in and I find it much easier, and more entertaining, to mess with the guy than to get upset. (You can thank my high school boyfriend for giving me the Ice Princess nickname.) However, I’ve been lucky that none of the jerks have been guys I’ve actually met in person. I have somehow managed to keep them contained to these websites.

A friend of mine wasn’t so lucky. She went out with a guy and when she told him she wasn’t interested, he went psycho to the point where he was actually being frightening. She is an attractive, intelligent, successful woman who does not under any circumstances deserve to be treated this way.

A group of us have been giving her our two cents on what she should or shouldn’t do next. I thought we could break down what happened for all of you so that this never happens to her (or any of you) again, and you all could help us decide what she should do.

His profile

I love OKCupid A-list and its invisible browsing. It means I can check out profiles for my friends and the guys will never know. So this guy’s profile has a bunch of red flags -

1. He’s listed as “replies often”. That means either no one messages him or he’s desperate and writes back to everyone who gives him the time of day.
2. In two of his photos, there’s a girl standing next to him who is cropped out. I don’t care who she is, but don’t make girls guess. Get a better photo.
3. He says he’s 5’8” but has no photos of him standing in a group where you can see how tall he actually is. The chances of him actually being 5’8” are slim to none.
4. His 2013 to-do list includes several adrenaline junkie activities, but other than one whitewater rafting photo, there’s no other mention of being an adventurous person on his profile. As a true adrenaline junkie (“Hi, I’m S. I’m an addict.” “Hi, S.”) I can tell you that he wants people to think he’s adventurous, but he’s really not. I’ll take it back if he actually ends the year with a Tough Mudder race bib like he claims he will. Even if he does, it’s a fun race, but it’s not actually that impressive.
5. He mentions something about being good at making up reasons for why he’s on an online dating site. Combine that with his height and he likely has some serious self-esteem issues. (Sorry to the short guys out there, but it’s true.) He also mentions that he doesn’t eat fruit. That’s just weird.
6. He says he’s interested in girls 18-35. 18??? That’s disgusting and nearly half your age.
7. He says you should message him if you’re an emotional drunk because watching a breakdown is entertaining. Seriously, dude? I already want to smack this guy.

Pre-date messages

The first message wasn’t too bad. A little long, which reinforces the desperation that his profile insinuates, but it was generally complimentary. It asked whether or not she usually dates Asian guys (she is Asian), again implying that he doesn’t have much self-confidence. The message was also sent at 4:15 AM. The warning bells are getting louder.

Unfortunately, my friend made a few classic blunders. First, she apologized for not living in the city. Don’t apologize for anything before you meet a guy. You’re a catch! He should be willing to go to Timbuktu to meet you. Then, she gave both her phone number and name out before he did. She hates these messaging systems, as most of us do, but it’s jackasses like this that continue to prove my point of why it’s worth keeping your information private until you meet the guy and can see if he’s going to go completely bananas on you or not.

Once they moved to texting, the guy started showing his true colors. She suggested a neighborhood for them to meet in. He started interrogating her about why she wanted to go to that neighborhood and got upset that she had plans for later in the evening on a weekend night. (This is why I don’t do weekend nights for a first date.) Then he started saying that she’s going to “dine and ditch”. She felt bad that he got that impression, but in actuality, he’s an ass for ever even implying this in the first place.

The date

The date was fine, but she wasn’t feeling any chemistry. He said a few weird things, like that he once had a girl throw a pepper shaker at his head during a date. (I’m sensing a pattern of behavior on his end.) She offered to split the bill, and he declined as he should have. His profile says he makes over $100K so it’s not like this was a big imposition. She then offered to buy him a drink because she felt uncomfortable after the “dine and ditch” conversation and wanted to make sure he didn’t feel like she was taking advantage of the situation, which does happen. It was fine for him to go for a drink, but he should have paid for the drink as well if he were a true gentleman.

Then he continued to break all sorts of first date etiquette rules and asked her what she thought of the two of them. He didn’t just ask her out a second time. He asked her to define their 5 minute long “relationship”! She told him she thought they were better as friends and immediately realized he was actually interested. Then the crazy appeared.

Post-date messages

First message from after dinner -

FYI the best etiquette is to insist to split the bill if you're not feeling a connection

Nope, buddy. You may think you’re super smart with your midwestern MBA, but the best etiquette is for the guy to pay. Period. She apologized, which was again unnecessary. And despite the apology, he started being a total f-ing douchebag.

I was trying to keep an open mind despite the ethnic studies, mannish look and marketing background. Thanks for the lesson on generosity.

My friend was obviously shocked and disturbed that she was getting this ridiculous of a response. She said that she hadn’t intended to lead him on. She was being genuine with him, giving him very straight answers. There was nothing she could have said that would have made him calm down. He went on to call her a lesbian, since in his puny little mind she must like women if she’s not into him, and said she had a thick bottom half, which she does not. She got a little peeved and called him an “MBA douchelord” (thanks for making all of us look bad, jerk). He continued to insult her personality, her appearance and her career. Mocking her career and company (saying she works on a no name product that’s destined to fail) was particularly amusing to me since he is working at a start up that is very much struggling to get off the ground and has been rejected multiple times from the company where she works. Impressively, she ended with -

I still wish you the best. It's very sad to see such a hateful litany from you. I don't think you're this kind of guy whatsoever and am hoping you're just having a bad night. Take care of yourself.

He continued to send her nasty messages, proving just how insecure and pathetic he is.

Now what?

So, my dear readers, we’re leaving it up to you to decide what she does next. Several of our friends are a little, shall we say, vindictive. Personally, I think we can take the high road (which is what she has already done and plans to do unless convinced otherwise), be intelligent and still show the asshole just how awful he was. Here are our options:

1. Online retaliation

   Example: set up a fake OKCupid or Grindr profile with his info and mess with him

2. Offline retaliation

   Example: flyer his office with print outs of the asinine texts he was sending

3. Circulate this post

Personally, I think any additional attention that she gives him feeds his pathetic little ego. She (and the rest of my friends) are better off focusing their time and attention on the nice guys out there who aren’t going to treat women like this.

If you agree with #3 (and live in or know anyone in SF), I’ll ask a few things of you:

1. Send this to all of the girls you know who are doing online dating so they know to avoid this guy if they ever run across him or a guy like him
2. Send this to any guy you know who could be a douchebag online dater
3. Repost this on Facebook or whichever other social networks you’re on

I don’t think I’m underestimating how small San Francisco is or how powerful the network of business school students is in this city when I’m guessing that this blog post could very easily reach his inbox by the end of the day. Like I said previously, when you’re online dating it’s in your best interest to treat people well.

This has been a public service announcement. The end.

The Juggling Act of Online Dating

Online dating and reporting the stories back to all of you have become a bit of a part time job. I'm active on two different sites, signed up for an in-person meet up group called Events and Adventures, and marginally active on three additional sites. It's become a bit of a juggling act to keep all of it straight, especially since I've never dated multiple people simultaneously before. I'm a quite organized person so I've developed a few tactics to keep myself sane.


I'm available Tuesday. Wait, no I'm not.

When I first started talking to guys about scheduling dates, I didn't pay close enough attention to which days I said I was available. A few times that resulted in more than one guy saying he wanted to see me on the same day. There's no way I can handle more than one date in a single night (even in 24 hours as the date-a-thon proved) so I needed to do something differently. My entire life is in my calendar so I started adding holds to my calendar if I told a guy I was available that day. This method seems to be working and has meant far less back and forth trying to schedule things.


Where are we meeting again?

At the beginning I was a little lazy about what I put into the calendar entry for a date and often just entered the guy's name at the date and time we agreed to. This worked fine until I accidentally deleted all of my OKCupid messages. Since I don't generally give out my phone number before meeting a guy from OKC that meant I had no way to contact the guy and didn't know if we had actually confirmed a place to meet. It's also helpful to read the messages you've sent each other or at least look at his profile again before meeting in person. After some digging through my search history I managed to figure out their usernames. I had to send a few awkward messages asking if we'd picked a place yet. Now I make sure to add any details on the location as well as the guy's username to my calendar. And I don't delete messages anymore either.


Sorry, but who is this?

On Coffee Meets Bagel you don't have much of a choice about exchanging phone numbers because the number they set up for you expires after a few days. With the first few it was easy to keep the phone numbers straight. Then yesterday happened. I was texting with one guy and about to confirm a date. Then I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. He turned out to be the guy I thought I had already been texting with. Oops. Now all phone numbers get stored with a name. I'll have to clean out my phone at some point, but no more close calls like that.


I'll be at home washing my hair.

In prior relationships I've often gotten way too involved with the guy far too quickly at the expense of relationships with my friends and participating in activities that I enjoy. When these relationships have ended, it often felt like there was a gaping hole since I'd been spending so much time with that person. Now that I've been single for awhile, I've gotten much more protective of "me time". An interesting side effect of these dates being exhausting at times is that I've started scheduling much more time with my friends as well as time to take care of general life tasks. I also won't cancel on my friends just to see a guy I'm interested in. I'll need to re-read this post when I actually start another relationship.

The 24 Hour Date-a-Thon

The long holiday weekend meant time to schedule several dates, but I also didn't want to skimp on "me time" or time with my actual friends. If you know me at all, this is real progress. The weekend became tightly scheduled, and inadvertently I ended up with 3 (almost 4) dates in 24 hours. Oops.

I knew as soon as I realized what I had done that I had crossed a line. This was not going to be a good idea.


Date #1 - "The Compliment" Guy

First date was the guy from the previous post who I had been having the fun conversations with through the messaging app. I knew he was going to be trouble, in a good way, when I broke two of my online dating rules before even meeting him - a Friday night date and I gave him my phone number. Up until this point, I wasn't sure if I would feel like there was chemistry on one of these awkward, contrived first dates. Well, with this one there definitely was. He did, in fact, look like his photos, and the conversation was just as effortless as online.

We went to a little dive that had bar games. He beat me at pool, barely. (Thanks, Dad, for the pool table in the basement as a kid so I can hold my own.) I soundly beat him at skeeball, which I thoroughly enjoyed. A girl who was a bit inebriated and her friend played us in shuffle board. We won, of course, but the most entertaining part of the game was that she called me "white girl hot" (is that a thing now?) and kept referring to us as a cute couple fully knowing that it was a first date. It was hilarious.

Afterwards we got dinner, which he paid for. I was watching a YouTube video that he had pulled up on his phone and he paid while I was distracted. Sneaky. Around midnight, a friend who knew I was on the date sent me a text saying that I should probably go home soon, which I did. The perfect gentleman, he drove me back home, gave me a hug and said goodbye. He didn't ask to see me again when he dropped me off, but he did send me a text when he got home. I think he hit every single thing in the first date etiquette post. It's entirely possible he already found this blog. If so, well played :)

If there's a second date, there could be some potential here.


Date #2 - The "Should Have Been Rescheduled" Date

This was the last date that was put on the calendar and really should have been rescheduled. I told him that the only time I was free, and this was true, was immediately after I finished a yoga class and I only had an hour. I gave him the option to pick a different day, but instead we got coffee while I was in sweaty yoga clothes. I wasn't too excited about the date after how well the night before had gone, but this was just a bad idea. He was perfectly nice, and we had a pleasant conversation, but this date was doomed from the start.


Date #3 - Third Time Is Not the Charm

This date was the third time I was seeing the guy from the very first online date I had gone on. This is the guy where I wasn't sure if there could be chemistry on a first date but it was worth seeing him again. By date #3 there was still no chemistry. We went to an event that he's super passionate about. I had fun, but it became painfully obvious, at least to me, that this was not something I wanted to be doing all the time. There was no chance of this turning into a relationship. At the end, I wasn't feeling so great. I'd had several cups of coffee, a glass of wine and only eaten a few french fries after doing an intense 90 minute yoga class and running around in the sun the rest of the day. Not wanting to be dramatic and pass out, I quickly said goodbye and scurried off. I think I said goodbye a little too quickly, but that might have saved me from an awkward no 4th date conversation.


Almost Date #4 - Coffee Meets Bagel Guy

After I left date #3, I started getting messages from a guy I'd been matched with through another dating site called Coffee Meets Bagel. The premise of CMB is that the site sends you one potential match per day and if you both say yes, it's puts you in contact. Turns out CMB guy lives in my neighborhood so he was trying to see if we could meet up. Famished and taking too long to secure food for myself, I passed out on the couch instead. I woke up around midnight at which point it was too late to find food and far too late for any additional dates. #4 would have to wait for another day.


Sunday, a Day of Rest

I woke up on Sunday starving and very excited not to have any dates. It was a day of delicious food and sunshine surrounded by good friends. To top it all off, I got a text from "the compliment" guy asking for a second date. Great way to end a 4 day weekend.

First Date Etiquette

In the past 2 weeks I've gone on 7 first dates. Fortunately, no disasters to report. Most of the guys I don't plan to see a second time, but no weirdos. I'd like to think my filters are working, but more likely, I've just been very lucky.


Getting the date

If I've been messaging a guy back, he can safely assume I'm up for meeting him. But after 4-5 messages back and forth, I start to get a little bored unless the conversation is incredibly interesting. I have no faith in online banter being any sort of indicator of an in-person connection, and my profile says I don't want a pen pal.

When you ask me for a date:

• Give me a couple options for days. I'll suggest a different day if I can't do any of the ones you suggested
• Pick the place and the activity
• Don't repeatedly ask for my phone number or email

I've met too many guys in SF who seem to think phone numbers are collectors' items. They ask for numbers when they have no intention of calling the girls. While this situation is different, I prefer not to give out my number until I know I want to see the guy more than once. Seems a little safer that way. Plus, I assume most guys in this city have a smart phone, which also means they've downloaded the mobile app and thus can get messages from me or to me.

BONUS POINTS: 1) Pick a place in my neighborhood. 2) Suggest an activity that's not coffee or a drink and isn't creepy (should be in a public place). There are always a ton of things going on around the city. Pick one!

The date

First, be on time or send a message if you'll be more than 5 minutes late. An introductory hug is acceptable, but it shouldn't linger too long. A long hug when you're first meeting a guy is just super awkward and a bad first impression. Pay for the first date. I'm not taking advantage of the guys and ordering a lobster dinner. He can pay for one drink. If I insist on paying for something, it's a good indicator that I'm not interested in a second date.

During the date, don't dominate the conversation. Ask some questions, share a bit about yourself, but give me the opportunity to talk for longer than 30 seconds before interrupting. You've got to be very interesting for me to still be paying attention 10 minutes into your monologue. Go easy on the touching. Once or twice the shoulder or knee can be acceptable, but if I start inching away, no more touching. Anything other than shoulder or knee is generally not going to go over so well.

At the end of the date, don't ask me out on a second date. It's incredibly uncomfortable to say no or make up an excuse. It's better for everyone if you don't put me on the spot. A hug goodbye is fine, but again no lingering. And definitely no kiss. A peck on the cheek is even a little questionable.

BONUS POINTS: Make it clear during the date that you'd like to see me again. When we're talking about an activity we both like, say something along the lines of, "Oh you haven't been climbing at Castle Rock before? We should go sometime." You're not putting me on the spot to say yes or no, but I get the hint.

After the date

Regardless of whether you want to see me again or not, send me a message after the date saying it was nice to meet me. San Francisco is a small city. It's very likely we will run into each other at some point. Or even more likely, you'll message one of my friends who is also doing online dating. You will want me to give you a good recommendation. (I've already had a guy messaging me who my friend recognized after a 10 second description.)

BONUS POINTS: Send me a message the same day as the date saying you would like to see me again. The 3 day rule doesn't apply to online dating (though 3 days is the upper limit of the amount of time you've got to send a message). Plus I'll think you don't play games if I hear from you quickly. It's still a little awkward to say no to a message for a second date, but it's much easier for everyone that way.

Sadly, a guy could do all of these things right and there's still no chemistry. But if there is chemistry, he might just get a second date.