Friday, July 26, 2013

Why Don't You Like Me

Rejection is never fun, whether it's virtually or in person. People on online dating sites really don't take it well sometimes. The rules of etiquette are different online, but some guys get upset if their version of the rules don't quite match up with a girl's.

Hello? Can you hear me?

With the free version of OKCupid, you can't see if someone reads a message you send. On other sites, you can't always tell who is an active, paid subscriber and who isn't. This causes quite a bit of confusion for some guys when you don't message them back.
Hi, I sent you a note a couple of days ago. Did you read it ?
Yes, I did read your message. No, I'm not responding. Sorry.

I feel bad if a guy has clearly put in effort to write a note, but I can barely keep up with responding to the guys I might be interested in (and the guys to mess with). I don't really think it would make anyone feel better if I wrote back saying he wasn't my type.

Online Etiquette

Looking back through my message history, there are quite a few message threads where I've been the last one to write. I can see the guy read the message, and he never responded. I wasn't super interested in any of these guys so I hadn't even realized until I looked back. I'm sure I would have noticed if there was a guy who really stood out from the crowd, but with the barrage of messages I didn't. I feel less bad about not responding to everyone after discovering this.

The online world is just different. You don't know these people (at least you think you don't), and there's a good chance there won't ever be a platonic relationship that you have to worry about preserving. Everyone is busy so that means people just don't follow up like they would in other situations. It certainly stands out if someone does, but it's not the norm. You don't have to respond to every message or send a follow up after every date. For some guys, this just isn't OK.
A "no thanks, I'm not interested would have been polite"... I'm glad not having to deal with you ;) I wish you the best :)
This message was sent ONE DAY after the initial message. I don't always respond to work emails one day after getting them let alone every message I get on a dating site! This guy was stressing himself out way too much. And what is the point of sending a second message and insulting the girl! That's definitely not going to get a positive response.
You really need to relax. That message was quite rude. I actually am just replying to my messages from the last few days now and was planning to respond to you. I have this thing called work that keeps me busy during the week so I don't always respond immediately. But now, I'm definitely glad I didn't respond sooner.
Insecure guys seem to think it's ok to write insulting messages when they'd never have the guts to say anything like that in person. But better to find that out quickly than waste your time.

The World's Smallest Violin

I don't know any women who think a whiny man is attractive, but yet they send these follow up messages that are so pathetic. I don't understand what they think it will accomplish. Maybe they're just not thinking.
Why no response? :( 
Oh no. Don't take what I said the wrong way.
Ok. Think I'm getting a hint.
These messages don't necessarily seem that terrible, but when they're at the end of a string of painfully boring back and forth, they seal the deal.

Would you mind humoring me?

I got one message on match titled "Would you mind humoring me for a moment?"
Having been unsuccessful in attempting to make contact, I must be doing something wrong in order to try receive a response... If it's an age thing, I get it, but if that's not exactly it, do you think you might have an honest suggestion as to what a normal person does to try to make a connection on match, or at the very least, get a reply? 
Don't feel obligated to reply, but but you seem like you would be worthwhile getting to know, so thought to at least give a shot at sending you a note... or maybe time to decide why one would continue to use this service. 
Hmm. I didn't even remember this guy messaging me in the first place. I looked him up. He was well outside my age range and didn't live in the city. I wrote him back and explained that. There were also other things in his profile (like lack of adequate photos - he had one of his face and one of his feet) that would have made me not message him back, but I didn't go into it with him. I offered, but he ignored that part.

It's fascinating that guys and girls have such vastly different experiences on these sites. I would have to be really interested in a guy to notice that he hadn't written me back.

What to do? What to do?

There seem to be a few tactics that do work at least a bit.

  • Buy A-list for OKCupid if you're going to worry about whether someone read your message or not. The "did you read my message" message is never a good idea.
  • Use the VIP email for match. You get a special "very interested person" email that you can use occasionally. Apparently even a non-subscriber will be able to read this message. In match you can see who's read your messages once you've paid yourself.
  • If a girl doesn't respond to your first message and you really want to send a second, do everything you can to sound confident. I did get one that said he doesn't usually send a second message but he was interested and thought it was worth a shot. The conversation ended up not going anywhere, but I did respond to that one.
  • If a conversation has died and you want to revive it, don't be whiny. She's already engaged with you so unless you did something dumb, she's probably willing to restart the conversation. Keep it short and upbeat, and she'll likely respond.
Now that I've realized there are quite a few conversations that have died on my end, I'm wondering if the same tactic for reviving a conversation works for girls. I'll have to give it a try.


  1. Get it, girl!! :) Love these helpful posts and how you systematically investigate the world of online dating. The second and follow up messages are always awkward and it's awesome to have someone bring attention to it. The OKC Blog should bring you on as a guest writer.

  2. Guys can also get busy with life and not have time to respond and keep every conversation going. Frankly, I always appreciate it if someone sends me a second message where I didn't respond to the first. So much of this process is about timing. Work, vacation, chasing down something special with someone we've met a few weeks ago, lapsed membership, etc. There are lots of reasons why guys (and girls) might not respond to the first or even the second message but there's really no reason why the person sending the messages should take it personally.