Tuesday is Ladies Night

Today the focus is on the ladies. Specifically, on do's and don'ts for female profile pics. I polled a few of my guy friends who are (currently or formerly) active online daters, and their responses were relatively consistent. Interestingly, they all had a lot more on their "don't" list than pics they feel like they must see.


Va va voom

All of the guys were pretty upfront about the fact that they want to find your photos attractive (shocker). We all know that men are visual creatures. You need to give them enough to pique their interest while still thinking they can take you home to mom. Men and women approach the profile pics from totally different points of view. One friend summed it up well -

Men make the mistake of posting the kind of pictures they want to see (too much skin). Women make the mistake of trying to hide their perceived weaknesses.

Like the women, men really just want to know what you actually look like and not be turned off or confused by your photos.


The close up pic

The best practices for this photo are the same for both genders. This photo should be a clear, straight on, recent shot of your face where you're smiling. No sunglasses or other objects covering your face. Included in the no objects covering your face is a fake mustache. I don't really get this trend, but apparently it's super popular. Think about it ladies... this is not attractive to a man. He does not want to wake up next to someone with facial hair, and the whole point of these photos is for you to look attractive to him. Save the fake mustache pic for Facebook or Instagram. And no duck face or selfies. These two got a resounding no from all of the men I spoke with.

The body shot

This photo is a must have. It doesn't need to be head to toe as long as it is very obvious what your body type is. As women we all have a body part that we absolutely despise, but chances are, most guys would have no idea which body part that is. Most guys aren't looking for a supermodel (if they were attractive or wealthy enough to bag a supermodel, they'd likely be out doing that). They simply want to know what you are going to look like when they meet you. On the flip side, if there's a body part you want to flaunt, do that but tastefully.


The action photo

With the action shot, a good tactic is to provide a photo that has something about it that the guy can use to strike up a conversation. Let's face it, they're going to spend more time looking at your photos than reading your profile so be prepared for your photos to be more frequently mentioned in a message than what you write. Include a photo or two of you doing an activity that is one that you would like the guy to do with you. He's looking for common interests in your photo. Don't use a photo that is an activity you don't actually like or do very often. If you don't like hiking, don't include a hiking shot.

Photos to use with caution

• Party pics: If you have one of these, guys will assume you drink/party a lot. If you do, then keep the photo up, but make sure it doesn't look like your dress is about to fall off. If you're not looking for a guy who likes to party, choose another pic.
• Bikini shot: Most guys said the bikini shot is ok as long as it's tasteful and preferably an action shot like playing volleyball. I don't have a bikini shot. I'm scared to think what kind of messages I'd get, but this wasn't something that was necessarily a turn off if executed well.
• Costumes: Most female Halloween costumes are a little slutty. Or if it's "clever", he might not get the joke. In most cases, costume shots may not get you the response you're looking for so use sparingly.
• Group shots with girls: He wants to know what YOU look like, not your friends. He doesn't want to guess which one is you. And you really don't want him thinking your friend is hotter than you are and wondering how he can meet her instead.
• Group shots with guys: One guy said that if the guys look as attractive or less attractive than he is, the guy shots are ok. Most of the guys said he doesn't want to wonder who all of the guys are. In general, it seems like a good idea to leave these out.
• Cropped photos: If you have a group shot where you look really hot, be careful with cropping everyone else out. If it looks like you awkwardly cropped out your friends or your ex, he's going to wonder why you don't have a better photo.
• Pets: Don't be the sad, crazy cat lady.
• Trying to hard: No photos where it looks like you're trying super hard to be sexy. Guys can smell desperation through their computer screens.

OKCupid also has an interesting feature on the page where you upload your photos called My Best Face. It basically does A/B testing on your photos and tells you which one is best. My action shot, in which I'm wearing sunglasses but you can see what my body looks like, is my best according to this tool. But take it with a grain of salt. The sample size used for the test isn't that big. The photo of mine that was rated lowest has also been the topic of the most interesting messages I've received.

Just like for guys, a good rule of thumb is to let a friend check out your photos. Preferably a guy. They don't usually hide reactions well so you'll know what he thinks. 

Mustaches and a group shot - no and no

There are no bad pictures. That's just how your face looks sometimes.

Last week I was a bit negative with all of the intentional messing with guys of less than reputable character. It just really gets under my skin when guys are cruel to intelligent, sexy women who they would be lucky to know. I like to think I'm providing some sort of social justice - some guy will realize he shouldn't be an ass and maybe he'll get a girl to be nice back to him or some girl will realize it's not her fault and she shouldn't give up because some guys are just cruel. Probably more of the latter than the former, but I digress.

This week, all posts will be more positive. Or at least neutral and objective. First up, what kind of photos should a guy use or not use to get a girl's attention. [This is all my personal opinion.]


Number of photos

5-10. You generally need 5 photos to show what you really look like. More than 10 is overkill. It makes it seem like you've been on the dating site for way too long or spent way too much time setting up your profile. 10 is plenty.


The thumbnail photo

This photo, the photo that shows up next to every message you write and in all the searches, is critical. This should be a relatively close up shot of your face. An alternative is a very cool, artsy action shot, but that's risky. The action should be very obvious - you're skiing or doing a handstand or kite surfing or something like that. However, when you're messaging with a girl, that's the shot she's going to start associating with you. Better that it's something that truly looks like you. The face shot that's an accurate representation of what you look like today is your best bet. No sunglasses or hats. No side angles. Straight on shot of your face.


Full body shot

Have at least one photo where it's obvious what your body type is. It doesn't have to be head to toe if head to thigh or torso shows an accurate representation. I've been lucky that since I mention (err... maybe go on and on about) how active I am, guys who aren't active don't message me. But there should be one shot that accurately shows your CURRENT body type. And keep your clothes on.


Hair shot

Alright guys. You're all getting older. You likely have a few more greys and a lot less in general than you did in college. It's not a big deal! We won't hold your hair against you if you don't hold gravity's effect on our boobs against us. We were all finer human specimens 10 years ago. That's just how it is. The likelihood that I won't message you back if you're a little more grey is small. The likelihood that I'll wonder what else you're lying about if you're a lot more grey when I see you in person is high. Just put it out there. Whether you've got it or you don't. Just be up front about it.

No photos like this. Can't see your hair or your eyes.

Height shot

This only applies to guys who are (in actuality, not based on your profile) less than 6' tall. If you're under 6', you're likely exaggerating like all your fellow males by at least one if not two, please not more, inches. Include one shot of you and your friends that shows what your true height is. If she sees how tall you really are and you look proportional, she will likely still respond. (I am not a tall woman so this probably does not apply to women who are taller than you are.) Other than this photo, don't put up lots of shots of you and your buddies.


Personality shot

I know, you've been dying for this one. You're so funny, silly, sarcastic, smart, well-traveled, yadda yadda yadda. Post one or two photos that show off your personality. This is the time for your travel photo, pic from Halloween, photo of you crossing a finish line or your ComicCon photo dressed up like a Klingon. OK maybe not that last one. I've never been to ComicCon and I'm not into Star Wars so I'm the wrong person to ask. But you get the idea. Keep these under control! I know you think you're awesome, but save some stuff to talk about for your date.

Photos to avoid

• No selfies in the mirror. Of any sort. Just don't.
• Half-naked photos are generally a no no. If you have one, you should be surfing, rock climbing, cliff diving or something similarly awesome. Don't have more than one.
• Sunglasses shouldn't make an appearance in more than one photo (acceptable for the height, hair or personality photo). She wants to see what you really look like.
• No more than one dog photo and only if it's your dog.
• Kid photos. If you have one, it needs a caption. But you might want to think twice about have a child's photo (yours or someone else's) on an online dating site. There are creeps out there.
• Photos where you're hugging a girl must have a caption. She might be your sister, but she might be your ex. Don't make her guess.
• Photos that have a person awkwardly cropped out. We'll assume she's your ex, and even if she's not, it looks tacky.
• Photos with circles or other goofy icons on top of the people's faces. If you can't crop the photo so it just shows you, get a new photo.
• Headshots are acceptable-ish in LA, not elsewhere.
• Raging party shots should be avoided. No photos with a shot being poured down your throat or where you're doing a beer bong. Unless you're looking for a girl to get black out drunk with you. If that's the case, keep the party pics.
• Photos where you're doing something dumb or childish with your friends. A friend of mine stumbled onto Compliment Guy's profile and rightly mocked the photo he has where he and his friend have nerf guns (yeah, I should have seen the ninja laser tag coming). Women who are serious about wanting a long-term relationship want a man, not a boy. Don't post photos where you're acting like a boy.

Don't do this. Take a new photo.

Helpful tips

• Have a friend look at your profile and tell you if your photos are accurate. Yes, it's embarrassing, but much less so than the look on a girl's face when you clearly don't look like what she thought you did.
• Repost your photos. On most sites you can see when the photos were posted. It's ok to use photos that are more than a year old if that's still what you look like, but at least once a year take down your photos and repost them even if you use all the same photos. If all of your photos were posted in 2011, the girl will likely wonder why.
• Reverse image search yourself. Most of us only have so many profile photos that we like, and we use them over and over. That's fine, but it does make it likely that your identity can be discovered easily. If you don't know how to do this, try it out. Go to Google and click on Images. Drag the file of your photo into the search bar and Google will look for that photo on all public sites. It's amazing what you can find sometimes.
• Put out what you want to get back. Think about what kind of partner you want. Your photos should represent that as much as the "you should message me if" section of your profile does.

First Message Pass-Through Rate

Reviewing his resume

I do quite a bit of interviewing for my job. One of my favorite interview questions goes something like this - You're hiring someone for your team, and you are given a stack of 100 resumes. How do you go about finding the best candidate? What are the limitations of your approach?

Trying to find the best guy out of the hundreds of messages I've received feels like a similar exercise. I've been averaging 20+ messages a day from 10+ different guys. Roughly 50% of these guys are new ones I haven't heard from before. Of those, I've been responding to less than half. This response rate has definitely gone up since being deemed "hot" so I guess it's working as advertised. With this kind of volume, I can't spend huge amounts of time evaluating the guys' "resumes", especially since the influx of messages is higher during the work week, and I still have to do real work. I realized I've started following a pattern of evaluation to determine if I want to write back and possibly give him an "onsite interview".


Step 1: The message

The message needs to have some sort of reference to my profile. It doesn't need to be long, but it should be personalized and not just an obvious copy/paste. Two exceptions to this are if the message makes me laugh or if I rated the guy highly and we got a "you chose each other" note. The message also shouldn't be overtly sexual or a "neg". I'm not interested in being insulted.

Limitations: From what my guy friends tell me, they send out a lot of messages before they get a response. I could definitely be missing out on a great guy who's just gotten tired of spending a ton of effort writing a personalized message. But a little bit of effort goes a long way.


Step 2: His stats

Age - He has to be within the age range I specified. I've gotten messages from guys as young as 20 and as old as 54. But I'll at least consider the guy if he acknowledges that he's outside the age range I put in my profile.

Gender - Male, obviously.

Orientation - Straight. I thought I was open-minded, but when I got a message from a guy who identified as bisexual, I realized I'm really not that open-minded. No judgments, but it's not the lifestyle choice I want to make.

Marital status - Single. You'd think that would be a given, but I have actually seen guys who admit they're married on the site.

Location - San Francisco. I was specific that I'm looking for someone who lives in the city. Not only do I get messages from all over the Bay Area, but I've also gotten messages from India, Indonesia, Brazil and least a dozen different states.

Limitations: I'm sure I am missing out on good guys who are outside the age range or live outside SF, but I need to narrow down the list somehow. This is a quick way to do it.


Step 3: Profile photo

I have to think he looks attractive in his profile photo. The best photos show his face clearly. If it doesn't, he has to be doing something interesting.

Limitations: Not everyone is photogenic, and many photos aren't representative of how the guy actually looks. Several guys have looked much older in person, but a couple have been more attractive than I was expecting.


Step 4: Other photos

If the first 3 steps check out, I'll click through to his profile and first look at the other photos he has posted. Photos with kids or with a woman should have captions. It's good to know if they're his kids (not a deal breaker, but I don't want to guess) and that it's not his ex-girlfriend. He should also be fully clothed in all of the photos unless he's doing something active and awesome. No selfie in the mirror.

                           Acceptable                                                         Unacceptable
      
(These are from Google image search. They're not guys who have messaged me.)

Limitations: This one I actually think is a pretty solid filter.


Step 5: His details

I check height and assume he's an inch or two shorter. I'm not tall, but I like wearing heels on occasion. He has to be taller than I am in heels. I look at body type, and most of the guys who message me put athletic. So far the guys I've met are actually athletic since I talk so much about being active in my profile. But my less active female friends say that average actually means overweight (which I suppose is average in the US). If he says he drinks often or very often, I assume he's actually an alcoholic. Never drinks is also grounds for deleting the message. I like wine, what can I say. I check the income, though most guys don't put this.

Limitations: I'm making a lot of assumptions. All of which could be inaccurate.You should be truthful here, but you do have to be careful that you're not putting yourself at a disadvantage since so many people do lie/exaggerate on these sites.


Step 6: The questions

When you compare answers to questions you both answered, you can filter on "unacceptable answers" or questions that you answered differently from each other and you didn't mark the option he chose as acceptable. I look for the intelligence questions (if you turn a left hand glove inside out it fits on which hand). Don't put "I don't know and I don't care" for these. Just skip if you don't know. I also filter out someone who seems like he's extremely religious, a huge party guy, not over his ex-girlfriend, or really just looking for a fling. Often quite a few deal breakers pop up during this step.

Limitations: Any time a pattern emerges, this is a great filter. But making a snap judgment based on a single question could cut a good guy.


Step 7: His profile

Only after I check all of the above do I read his profile. The biggest thing that will get a guy cut at this point if he brings up sex. Don't put down sex as one of the things you can't live without. You're a guy. I assume you're into sex.

Limitations: As long as he can write and doesn't say anything too incredibly stupid, this is an easy step to get through. At this point I'm more looking for things to talk about in my response back.


Then it's time to see if he can carry a conversation and if he'll ask me out.